Date: February 26, 2014 7:47 PM Title: Chapter 7 The Train Ride I
Would it really be plausible for Katie to actually learn how to cast magic like Harry seeing as how wizards and witches as Harry's age would not have enough energy to produce such magics nor even begin to attempt to do so. Not to mention wasn't Harry supposed to be on the lines if antisocial and misanthropic? At least that is what was implied to be what Harry is..
Date: January 26, 2013 9:55 AM Title: Chapter 2
This story is insanely hard to read. Mostly because nothing *happens*. Most people have a problem of too much action and dialogue without adding description of the setting. You just seem to write thought after thought. Plans are great, especially since you appear to be making Harry intelligent, but you have to have something other than thoughts. If your character's thoughts take up an entire page you're doing something wrong. Add details. What is he doing while he's thinking? Even if it's small things like tapping his fingers on his desk, randomly looking around his room, whatever. Also you could be more clear in how you write. The wording could be better. The sentence structure is bad. I see that in your reviews you've gotten better, but unless you severely edit the first few chapters with your better writing, you're going to keep losing readers in the first few chapters.
Date: September 13, 2012 6:39 PM Title: Chapter 17
Just finished Ch 17. Still hard going with missing words, half words, past and present tenses mixed up, even gender mixed up not to mention punctuation. The story doesn't 'flow' with all the scene breaks etc. Rating about 2.
Date: September 12, 2012 12:32 AM Title: Chapter 2
Just started reading this story. Due to the lack of punctuation it is very hard to read smoothly. Having to backtrack to study the text in order to try to understand a particular sentence is annoying. However, my son has just informed me that he has read this story and it does improve. I hope so. I will rate the story later but it does have promise.
Date: September 10, 2012 12:22 AM Title: Chapter 1
The formating is terrible and half your punctuation's missing.
This makes it sufficiantly difficult to read that, well, i stopped a few paragraphs in.
Double line spacing is useful for draft copies (more room for editing) but hopeless for the version you expect readers to ... read. Also: are you using justified text, or just double-tapping the spacebar or using an odd font? That doesn't help either. Justified text with insufficant characters on a line results in problematic spacing.
As for the punctation, it's mostly missing full stops and commas. Having to conciously go back and re-read sentences while mentally adjusting for this disrupts the reader's immersion and ability to keep track of what's going on, while failure to do so results in sentences which make no sense.
Whatever else is good or bad about this fic, those issues are a huge road-block.
Didn't realize there was a formatting problem I've been basically copy-pasting into the text. I'll try and fix that later on. Thanks for pointing it out.
Date: August 07, 2012 7:12 PM Title: Chapter 9 Arriving at Hogwarts
Just wondering how long it will take for Harry to realize that he didn't get sorted so much as shoved into Gryffindor house.
It gets brought up in a later chapter in a discussion with Dumbledore.
Minor Spoiler: Harry Receives a proper sorting at the end of year one, but that hasn't happened yet.
Date: July 18, 2012 3:59 AM Title: Chapter 9 Arriving at Hogwarts
Care to explain how he got put in Gryffindor house without him questioning how he ended up there? Or does he just not care?
Harry didn't initially notice, being new and it does get brought up later, but by that point its Harry doesn't care.
Date: July 12, 2012 2:21 AM Title: Chapter 16 Winter Interlude II
Hmmm, Has Harry seen/read the Slayers anime/manga?
4th year - 1st task - "oh look, a dragon! .... 'Dragon Slave!' MWAHAHAHA!"
1991 the first light novels in Slayer were released in Japan in 89, manga and anime didn't start until 1996
Date: July 11, 2012 4:38 AM Title: Chapter 5 On Magic
You really need to use more punctuation in your sentences, especially commas, or have someone to do it for you. A lot of your dialogue I have to read more than once to fully understand the nuances of what thay're saying and it takes away from the flow of the story when your readers have to stop and reread what you've written.
Otherwise you're story so far is a good read and I'm looking forward to what comes next.
Date: April 29, 2012 9:25 AM Title: Chapter 3
An interesting concept here, but there are quite a few problems so far.
First, Harry's capabilities seem to vary quite far and there seem to be a vast number of unexplained powers and occurrences. People are killed, but the reader has no reason why (power boosts, random murders?), Harry has minions, but he doesn't seem to do anything about the Dursleys… unlocking magical power in two people you hate is not something an evil overlord would do (heck it's not something that anyone would do), unless he could control them; by allowing Dudley power he has simply added a potential rival… not real bright. He is paranoid, but is ignoring what happens with his relatives, some of the only people who can actually provide any useful information about himself to potential opponents. He knows about Diagon Alley, but he doesn't concern himself with the 'darkness' in London… it's the same location, he should be worried as he is already aware that he cannot take on the magic users…
As for his not worrying about London… I think this might be a geography problem. Harry lives in Surrey, that happens to be the southwest edge of London, parts of it have been subsumed by London in the past few decades. Anything growing in London is something that those in Surrey need to worry about as that means it is right next door…
So far we have heard that Harry is too busy to do this, that and the other, but we don't have any idea what he is actually busy doing… he is not gathering intelligence in any meaningful way, he is not gathering power (no summoning of minions or recruiting of any kind), he just seems to be doing nothing but saying 'this will happen' as if his will is the only thing that is necessary… Harry's actions so far don't make any sense, he has goals, but doesn't seem to do anything about them, he is paranoid, but doesn't really pay any attention to what is happening, he's worried about not being able to fight various groups, but doesn't try to gain any information on them… what is he actually doing?
Date: June 27, 2010 6:08 PM Title: Chapter 1
So the plot idea and mix of spells and minions is good, I really like that aspect of it. Now for the constructive part, the writing needs a bit of work. Not the grammer, but the writing is stilted, there is something about it that doesn't allow it to flow. Maybe it is the structure on the page as there are no breaks to tell us what is inner monologue and what is dialog, but there needs to be some form of a break. Second, the time kind of jumps around, flash backs to actions in the past are mixed in with current action (example is the flashback to something about opening dudley's channels while fighting the deatheaters*). There needs to be some flow or tie in before you jump from idea to idea. Like I said earlier, the ideas and the plot are great, I really like them, but the flow needs some work. A beta reader might be helpful? But please keep writing, I like the plot!
Date: June 30, 2009 12:35 PM Title: Chapter 1
I had a pretty good review written out, if a do say so myself, but the security code isn't working properly. Seems like it's just to write the numbers and hope it gets through.
Date: May 14, 2009 2:30 AM Title: Chapter 1
This version of Harry was perhaps more likely to occur than the canon heroic version in the books. He could just as easily learn 'might makes right' than compassion and loyalty, given his upbringing
Date: May 10, 2009 11:28 PM Title: Chapter 1
Great start to the story mate, I was wondering when Powers that be is going to be updated?
I like that Harry can do wandless magic mate, I like how treated the Death Eaters, when asking who the Dark Lord is.
Please make this into Harry/Hearm Story.
@ Powers that be I'll try and get that next chap up soon I'm still working on some of my other stories right now, improving some of my old chapters on FF.net and all, update wise I'll look and see how far I am with chapter six for this site
Also yes this probably will be a H/Harem
Date: May 10, 2009 10:42 PM Title: Chapter 1
White gloves eh? Thats kinda creepy lol.
To be honest mate your story is confusing, at least it is to me, i could read everything just fine but there are hardly explanations like how Harry found about his magic and those Goblins and Spiders, they are mentioned but thats about it.
Also it jumps around alot switching subjects and stuff, lol its just confusing to me, its like im dumped in the middle of a story without knowing what it is about lol.
But perhaps the next chapter clears up some stuff. Still your writing is very good, just what you write is confusing to me lol.
There is a reason or two behind the gloves you think they're creepy wait till he takes them off.
I'll try and explain things better though in the future